


Declaration of Gratitude

by M_E_Lover



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Depressing, Gen, Hopeful Maybe?, Sad, elbowsinsidethedoor should most likely avoid this one, i'm not really sure what else to tag, implied impending major character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 21:30:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13644819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_E_Lover/pseuds/M_E_Lover
Summary: Once again Harold has sacrificed himself to save the irrelevants. This is a letter to John as he waits for the end.There is virtually no violence and no actual "death scene" described but it's sad.





	Declaration of Gratitude

**Author's Note:**

> What can I say? I suppose I'm ready to admit that depressing stories are my thing. I have no idea why but they seem to come naturally to me. Here we have another manifestation of sadness that I believe comes from seeing my favorite actor "M_E_" killed off in Arrow the other night, lol.  
> I'm soooo sorry Michael! I boohooed like a baby. Now there's no more reason to watch that show, lol.
> 
> As always, thanks to oddgit for the beta and cheer leading along the way of what has become a depressing case of writers block! Maybe this will help to get the juices flowing again, fingers crossed.
> 
> All comments are welcomed and greatly appreciated!

John… I need you.

From the day we saved our first number together and until this very moment, I have needed you. I have needed your strength and skill, your opinion and guidance, your voice and your ear, and the knowledge that you’ve only ever been just a phone call away. I have appreciated all those things and more and I always will... until my last breath.

But much more than any of that right now, John… I need you to stay away from here.

Far away from here.

I know you’ll want to find me but you can’t, you mustn’t even attempt it. There will be no time. Trust me on this. I’m pleading with you, John. If you’ve ever returned any kinship, any affection, any respect for me whatsoever, please... do as I ask.

I know that it will come near to breaking you, John, but you can’t let it… you cannot let it take you from our purpose. The choice was as clear and as obvious to me as it would have been for you.

There are far too many people to save and if you come to my rescue, they will all be lost… every last one of them will die. You know that I cannot abide any deaths on my behalf, John… you know me, that awareness alone would be my undoing and the end of me.

I know you’d want to argue, but there’s no point. I just need you to listen now, to hear what I have to say, to understand what I want you to know, what I’ve always meant for you to know… to accept without reservation what I’m telling you now and what I’m asking of you.

I recognize, that I’ve not always been the easiest person to trust, to understand, but you of all people know that I have my reasons… as you have your own.

We were two halves of the same whole. I have always known it, always understood it well before you knew it yourself but now you have to become the sum total of what and who we are. I know you can do it; there’s not a single doubt in my mind that only you can accomplish that seemingly insurmountable feat.

There’s no time now for regrets. I know we share those too. We’ve had so many losses, you and I; personal losses that we will never recover from, losses that have carved scars into our bodies and our hearts. Scars that will never heal... that we’ll never be rid of.

I vowed to be Nathan’s standard bearer when he fell… I took up his crusade and did what I was able, as little as it was, in his memory, as a tribute to him but then it quickly turned into my own cause as well.

From the very start Nathan had tried to do the right thing for humanity and I had tried to disregard and dissuade him from it. He’d tried to do the just and moral thing and I did everything I could to discourage him from it.

I had considered Nathan’s plan to try and help those few people that came up, as a pointless endeavor. I’d personally shrugged it off and let myself ignore the fact that normal, everyday people could possibly die needlessly... tragically.

I had convinced myself and then tried to persuade Nathan that we didn’t have any obligation to save any of them… and no responsibility whatsoever to even try. Of course you know how that all ended; it’s what got Nathan murdered and made me as good as dead.

I was so callous and cold then. I hardly even recognize myself looking back. How could I have ever felt that way? I let myself be blind to the information Nathan had presented to me. I’m so remorseful and ashamed for that time in my life… and that brings us to another thing that you and I share, doesn’t it John? _Shame_.

Shame is what compelled me to act in his stead after I lost him. At first, I couldn’t imagine what this mission of his would entail, or how I would be able to do anything in the physical and mental state I was in. I lost far too many innocent lives in the beginning… before I found you.

But you know all of that already. I’m sorry to go on about it but somehow it feels important to tell you all of these things all over again… before the end.

You’ve helped me in so many ways, John. If I had a hundred years I don’t think I could ever make you see just how much you’ve been there for me.

You’ve been my rock, my beacon of hope, and my touchstone for so long now… I can’t tell you how much you’ve meant to me. You’ll never truly grasp the importance you’d brought with you when you came into my life.

I was truly fortunate and supremely grateful for finding you when I did. No one else in the world could have touched the level of skill, but more importantly, the compassion and tenderness that you possess. I know you've convinced yourself that you don't possess those heroic traits but you're wrong John... you are the embodiment of them both.

Had it not been for something that is indisputable, and that I now totally believe in and hold dear… had it not been for _Fate_ , John, I would never have had the success that I've had and I would have died much sooner than now.

I am so, immensely thankful for our time together John, you have no idea. You've brought me a ray of hope that the triumphs that we've achieved together might possibly have helped me redeem myself in some small way for the countless lives that have been lost and taken because of my careless and unwitting hubris.

Above all, I want you to remember how much admiration and gratitude I have had for you all this time, John. My every waking moment has been adorned by your shining example encompassing my very being.

I could never think of anything greater than to have had you in my life and worked beside you for this _time_. I just thought… I’d hoped there would have been more of it but I want you to remember how much that precious time has meant to me for the rest of your life, as I will cherish the memory of it for what is left of mine.

I wish there had been another way, but you can’t let this harsh reality destroy what is most important to us both, what has always been our purpose from the beginning and what will now be your purpose alone moving forward... because you must forge ahead, John.

You have to, please. If not for your sake, then for mine. I know it will seem impossible and truly, I don’t envy you being the one that’s left... but I beg you… please move forward, John. You’re not a man the world can do without. You said that to me once; I’m now saying it back to you, my friend.

The end is drawing near and you have work to continue, because I know that’s what you’ll do. I know I can rely and depend on you and I can be sure that you'll do what is right for everyone from now on.

I’m so sorry, John, but please don’t grieve for me… instead use that pain and sorrow to fuel your resolve for what’s to come and remember me fondly if you can after I've asked such an awful thing of you.

I now need you to know that my only regret is that I wasn’t able to see you one last time to deliver these words to you face to face.

Please take care of Bear and the team and allow them to take care of you in return. I love you, my dear friend… I’m sorry I haven’t spoken those words to you until now but please stay alive and continue our purpose and we’ll see each other again sometime where I’ll say them to you again in person. Until then…

Goodbye, John.

Yours humbly and sincerely,  
Finch


End file.
